the flash drive

Be softer with you.
You are a breathing thing.
A memory to someone.
A home to a life.

-Nayyirah Waheed

Today has been hard.  I guess if I’m being honest, the moment the calendar rolled over to April it has been one tough day after another.  April is the month that my ex-husband remarries.

While in my logical and present mind I know this shouldn’t bother me so, it does.  And you could all tell me, “But Sarah, you’ve moved on too.”  Yep, that’s also true.  But it doesn’t mean I don’t mourn the good times I had with one person over the course of 17 years of my life.  Almost HALF my life.  It doesn’t mean I’m not sad that I’ve officially and legally been replaced.  It is a very weird scenario that no one prepares you for in this life.

A long time ago I promised him I would give him a copy of all our years worth of photos and videos.  Since our divorce it has either slipped my mind or I just haven’t wanted to deal with it.  I have to meet him on Tuesday to sign one more lingering legal thing that ties us together and decided it would also be a good time to give him our memories.  So today I have filtered through them; thousands of photos and videos are now housed on a tiny flash drive ready to be delivered.  It’s almost like cutting through every scar, opening it up wide, and letting it all flow again.  One of my FAVORITE ARTISTS OF ALL TIME released an album a month or so ago and the first song guts me but it’s so real for me right now.  Here’s the first verse:

A love song was playing on the radio
It made me me kind of sad because it made me think of you
And I wonder how you’re doing  but I wish I didn’t care
Because I gave you all I had and got the worst of you

By the way, I forgive you
After all, maybe I should thank you
For giving me what I’ve found
‘Cause without you around
I’ve been doing just fine
Except for any time I hear that song

I’m trying to tell myself that this is ok.  I need to get it out, let it hurt, feel it, and move on. It doesn’t do me any good to bottle up the pain like it doesn’t exist because it does.  It’s real.  You can’t link yourself intricately with another person and not mourn the extrication, no matter the circumstances.  The key is to not dwell.

So despite me wanting to write this out and let the whole world read it, I’m trying my very best in this moment to be kind to me.  Feeling the hurt, moving through it, not comparing or assuming things, and recognizing I’m a person that deserves love too.  If anyone out there in this world is in the same spot I am, I hope this gives you some encouragement.  Even though it seems as if I’m saying it from a dark place; I see the light.  And that is positive.  Look for the light.

The memories I unearthed today made me laugh as much as cry.  And in “purging” them to that flash drive I’m choosing to visualize it as emptying my tank.  I’m now all ready for new memories to fill their place.

Bring on the new memories.  Fill up the tank.

TODAY I LOVE: the smell of Earl Grey tea

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