there is an upside

I’ve had one of those days today where my emotions have been up/down/up/down/up/down. REPEAT TIMES 1,000. I’ve been so “up” that I’ve giggled with satisfaction of a big win, and I’ve been so “down” that I literally almost passed out because my adrenaline dropped from anxiety/stress over other news. Yeah, it’s been a day. But it reminded me of one thing I’ve failed to tell you all lately. There is an upside.

I’ve written a lot over the last few weeks about how I’m struggling. It is no secret, I’m still struggling. I probably WILL be struggling for a while. You can’t fix years of emotional conditioning in just a few weeks. But I don’t want this home to just be a negative space. I’m not really sure why it seems easier to talk about the ugly stuff, but it is. In a way a success seems…braggy?

In the last 6 weeks I have seen and felt change in me. Maybe not in outward appearances, but inside. I’m smiling more. I’m talking more. I’ve intentionally taken myself out of my comfort zone time and time again and it hasn’t hurt me yet. I’ve even let a few people see the real Sarah and they haven’t run away. They’ve run toward. I’ve given up control in some areas and it’s helped immensely.

I think once I accepted that I’m at the bottom, I realized that everything I do that brings a smile to my face or helps me sleep at night, can be considered a win. Every win brings me closer to not carrying around the backpack of anxiety, to being ashamed to look in the mirror, and to feeling unworthy.

In a day full of ups and downs, I’m going to celebrate my ups. I’m also going to celebrate that recovered from the downs (and didn’t just live there! And didn’t eat a pint of ice cream in the process.)

To all of you who have been interacting with me privately, I hope you’re celebrating today too. Find something to celebrate. All these little wins add up.

TODAY I LOVE: the smell of honeysuckle
SONG OF THE DAY: “Below My Feet” by Mumford & Sons

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